What You Do Doesn't Actually Matter

The dichotomy between our actions and our intentions

I've held this sentiment for a while now, and a lot more lately. That what you do doesn't matter. You can hold the door open for someone, you can flake on your friend 10 minutes before the party, or you can jump into the train tracks to get a roll-away ring.

You can do whatever you want, and none of it matters.

Instead, how someone feels about your actions tends to matter more.

Before you raise your pitchforks, take a moment to think about it. I am not saying that this is right, but it is how the world works --- from my observation anyway, so feel free to tell me that I'm wrong, after reading the whole thing.

🖼️ Picture this,

Someone holds the door open for you. It's a universally agreed upon "nice thing to do".

You will probably feel a little nice, returning their friendly smile with one of your own, when walking past the person. Possibly, thanking them for taking time out of their day to help you.

Now imagine the same scenario, but the person holding the door for you gives a big annoyed sigh and rolls their eyes as you walk past them. How would you feel?

Even if it's not anger, there would be some confusion to it—a slight disorientation from the kind gesture juxtaposed with a negative reaction.

The reverse is also true. If you were the one holding the door open, you would feel different depending on whether the person behind you smiles at you or waves you off.

❤️‍🔥 It is not about the action, but how you make someone feel

You can be an absolute saint --- or an evil gremlin, though I hope you are not --- as long as you can make someone feel good while executing an action, you will be able to get away with almost anything.

There are many people in this world who, for better or worse, weaponise this concept. Con men, CEOs, Advertisers, Politicians, Oprah.

Regardless of intention, it is hard to deny. People pleasing, as a survival mechanism, is incredibly powerful.

🫠 So everyone is just faking it?

Yes and no. It depends on who you ask, and who has had their 3rd cup of coffee that morning.

If you ask Oprah, she would say no. She prides herself on authenticity. And I believe her.

If you ask Bucky from the used-cars dealership down the road, he might also say no, cause he really wants your trust and for you to buy one of his cars already.

Instead of trying to figure out if someone is being real based on just their actions, try to understand their intentions. You don’t have to agree with their actions or intentions, you can even be repulsed by it. But understanding, or the attempt to understand, is the bare minimum.

👀 Everyone judges themselves based on intention, while the world judges you based on action.

Here's a little thought experiment.

You are a waiter, doing your darnedest to provide that elderly couple with the best service you could

give them. You notice that they are all dressed up, the man has a single pink rose in his coat pocket while the lady passes a tiny piece of soft candy to him from her laced purse.

You are exceptionally kind to them, pouring them more drinks, telling them about the upsells, checking in on them from time to time and even giving them free desserts. The whole nine yards.

But at the end of the night, they walked past you, giving you no tips at all, and telling your manager that you were hovering over them too much.

Soul crushing.

Though your intentions were positive, your actions might not have suited the moment or that particular couple's vibe. So they judged you based on your actions rather than your intentions.

This is normal though, your actions will always speak louder than your intentions. In this case, the intentions were not interpreted as expected.

(And get off your high horse, ‘cause you do it too. You just might not have noticed it)

🤷 Alright, so what?

Good question. I don't know. Depending on your desired outcome, you can engineer your actions to get the best reaction, thus giving you the best results.

However, that wasn't the intention behind this article.

It was mainly to highlight that we can do our best, we can be the nicest person in the world or even the worst person in the world. We can move mountains or kick a puppy.

None of that matters. At least to an extent, please don't kick a puppy or hurt anyone intentionally.

What matters is if you are making the other person understand where you are coming from and feel good about your actions. Of course, doing good work helps with this as well. People will figure it out if all you are doing is manipulating or gaslighting them without actually doing the physical work.

Rather than trying to screw someone over or trying to make yourself look cool, the most reliable way to make someone feel good is to be real with them, treat them with respect, and show genuine kindness.

This does require at least a little bit of self-awareness to pull off. Which maybe this article helped provide. But as I mentioned above, what I do here doesn't matter. Just hope that you feel good about it.

Post Upload Edits:

Doing good work is still a prerequisite. There isn’t a 100% hit rate for making people feel good. There comes a point when there's more effort put in there than the actual work, which isn't right anymore.

“You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” - Al Capone

uhm, ok bye.